The Joy of Not Having Sex

After countless relationships and disastrous breakups, I sought out to make a change in my life. As a man, you are taught many valuable, self-correcting tools when it comes to life. I and my brother were given a different set of rules in comparison to our sisters. For example, when my sisters needed financial support my parents “gave them money”. However, if I was in financial distress, my parents “let me borrow money”. Similarly, when the girls had self-inflicted suffering in a relationship they were consulted with phrases like: “You can do better” or “He wasn’t good enough for you, anyway”. Not the same admonishment for us boys. No, the exhortation was more along the lines of: “You need to get yourself together and be a better man” or “You should have known better”. To the casual observer this would seem unfair and imbalanced. Perhaps, but to me and my brother it was fair because we had other advantages my sisters didn’t have like staying out all night and having girls over to the house in our rooms with closed doors.

Sometimes, American society treats each sex unfairly. (Okay, most the time). But, as a man, the self-correcting principles of manhood worked in my favor. I didn’t continue to repeat the same mistakes in relationships, unlike my sisters, because I wasn’t given the benefit of the perception that I was innocent of all wrong doing. In fact, my parents seemed to first accuse me, before exonerating me if anything went wrong in my life that was contrary to the principles they taught or to the moral code they enforced. I guess you could say that made me mentally tougher and bred a sense of self-awareness that is all too lost in society.

"We need to take responsibility...in our relationships"

We live in a world of blame. Politicians blame, churches blame, friends blame and lovers blame. And all this is done to feed the ego and justify improper actions and to vacate responsibility. I chose not to blame anyone, but myself. Though noble in theory its mostly personal arrogance as to not allow anyone credit for my failures or acknowledgement for my rewards. We do need to take responsibility as a whole for what happens in our relationships if we are to learn from them and thus go into the next great thing wiser and more adept.

I chose to no longer have sex before marriage for a few reasons. One, because after I slept with enough women, I realized how important it was to a relationship’s value, my personal value and how it over valued the relationship itself. Secondly and with conceit, I was pretty darn good at it and felt I had that part of the relationship mastered. So much so, that I used it as a mask to conceal more glaring inefficiencies that I had in sustaining a viable relationship. But thirdly, and more importantly, I fell in love with God and began to trust Him to give me the desires of my heart and to bless me with the very things I could not bless myself with. Things like real love, trust and transparency.

My generation has a sex addiction. We find that the only way to really show the emotional side of love is to consummate it with sex. We are a sexual culture. From the way we dress to the way we live and judge, it all revolves around the idea of sexiness. A band called Right Said Fred had a hit song in the 80’s entitled “I’m Too Sexy” and from them to the sex-charged lyrics of N.W.A and Madonna, we were taking on a course that defined our outlook on most everything and everyone based on how “hot” or “sexy” it or they were. We got stupid with sex! I knew it was out of control when I witnessed male friends consistently date women solely on their sex appeal with no regard for their intelligence, morals or social capacity. If they had a chance to date them, they usually complained of being unhappy, but refused to give up the superficial appearance of the relationship. “But, man she is so fine!” Right Said Fred and Co. had it WRONG!!

A few botched relationships and two kids later, I wanted to try it another way. I didn't want to get bitter and blame all women for my shortcomings, so I sought to change my approach to finding the right woman. I realized that to do so I had to be the right man. I was very confused at how to go about this until my Pastor Toure Roberts held a seminar with a celebrity panel called ‘Saved, Single and Not Having Sex”. I recalled how my ex- girlfriend would constantly explain to me that she only saw herself with me for the great sex, so I thought it best to go to the seminar. I wanted to be more!

I was very enlightened on how powerful “soul forces” are when you have sex with a person. You can easily find yourself in a relationship that you know is unhealthy and unmerited. Pre-martial sex can not only lead to venereal disease, and out-of–wedlock children, but a deterioration of rational judgment and sound forethought. In layman’s terms you can really get ‘sprung” on a person. One of the most overlooked flaws in pre-marital sex is that it hinders one from truly discovering the hidden philosophies and personality conflicts that one may have with a mate. These kinds of flaws are important warning signs to discontinue in the relationship and sever ties. Unfortunately, romance hides these severe flaws for such a time that it is difficult to break away from the other person. Many couples try and work through these flaws for fear of loss of time or the possibility of finding a better mate. After some soul searching I realized that perhaps I was just as “sprung” as my ex- girlfriend may have been.

" I'm not going to say that celibacy is easy. That would be a lie."

As I started on my journey of celibacy, I had a few encounters with women. I had a few offers for dates from ex and prospective lovers, but I confessed the path that I was taking. I believe that if you are being celibate, you need to tell any romantic interest that from the beginning. I find that if you confess your position right away, you give them the option of further pursuing the relationship, but you also give yourself accountability. You have to stand on your declaration. What I noticed is that women and men are alike in a few areas. Ex-lovers were unwilling to rekindle any relationship if sex wasn’t involved. New love interest, when told, would deny that sex was a part of their intention and then lose interest. And women whose advances were thwarted got really upset and vindictive. I learned so much from these prospective mates.

I discovered that when the conversation is not flirtatious, it is much easier to learn the true nature of the other person and make a rational decision whether the relationship is sustainable or simply misguided attraction. It also makes the parting of ways more amicable since no physical barrier has been broken. Celibacy also makes me a better man because it forces me to be more in tuned to a woman’s thoughts and needs. I have become more tolerant and empathetic. I find the joy of true friendship with them and have gained an idea of what I need to do to be in a position to sustain a long-term romance. In short, I learned that I have a long way to go.

I am not going to say that celibacy is easy. That would be a lie. But, I will say that it has made life easier. I have gained self control in other areas of my life from celibacy. I have begun to value my sexuality and, in turn, have begun to value the sacred vessel that is a woman. Sex affects women differently than men. It means far more to them and leaves very deep scars on their hearts. While courting women without sex, I find that they open up to you in love and friendship and many of them have a familiar story of hurt and manipulation. This convicted me. So much so, that I began to apologized to my ex- lovers for devaluing them with casual sex. They were thankful, but honest in confessing that they had sex with me with the hope of a relationship, yet accepted the arrangement for various reasons. In other words, they were disappointed.

Many brothers from my church took the vow of celibacy with me. We continue to encourage one another. It has blessed us with an amazing bond. Many male friendships are consumed with the quest to bed women. Those friendships are shallow and hide the true meaning of male bonding. It is not enough to exhibit bravado to your buddies. Being manly is to show empathy, love and care for your friends. I don’t have to be tough because I am tough. But my friendships are deeper now because we are honest about our trials and ambitions. It’s amazing the truth and joy that comes out when your conversation isn’t centered on “bagging broads” or “chasing hoes”. Besides, I have never been one to love video games.

If you are going through a hardship in a pre-marital relationship, I invite you to take sex out of the equation and attempt to make ground with spiritual romance. I think what you find will alarm you. If it doesn’t go well then you probably are in a bad relationship and need to part ways. If it goes well, then you should be taken to such a level that the only thing to do is marry your mate and legitimize one another. But, whatever way you go, the path should be that of truth. Though there is passion in sexual relationships, if true love and happiness is what you desire, I guarantee you that it will first reside in the joy of friendship, unwavering trust and honest acceptance. I, personally, believe the opportunity for such a passionate relationship is rooted in the joy of not having sex.