America, Can You Handle The Truth?

"It is easier to perceive error than to find truth, for the former lies on the surface and is easily seen, while the latter lies in the depths, where few are willing to search for it" 
                                                                - Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe                                     
                                                                   

         Jack Nicholson made the term “You can’t handle the Truth” a famous phrase in the movie A Few Good Men, co-starring Tom Cruise. Nicholson played Colonel Nathan R Jessup, who is rightly accused of being behind the murder of PFC William Santiago. Unfortunately, for most of us, that phrase continues to resonant in everyday life. The Truth is no longer the constant it was when the world and the movies were viewed in black and white. No, the world is seemingly moving to Shades of Grey (much like the book) and the Truth is being perversely blurred by the acceptance of each new rumor and speculation.

          "There are two types of Truth', says Toure Roberts, "The Truth and the things you want (to believe) bad enough that you make it true".

Megyn Kelly

Broadcast news, once the trusted source of Truth, is now the product of partisan philosophy and politics. Each outlet, at war with the other for ratings, has latched on to a preferred bloc of the viewing public. Media has trading the facts for perception to gain an edge in viewership. Despite the decline in manufacturing, over the past two decades, the “rumor mill” continue to churning out record profits for its sordid version of the truth. We have bored of the Katie Courics and gravitated to the Megyn Kelly’s of the world. It’s a wonder this country’s moral fiber is so corrupted and the reason we have allowed ourselves to be manipulated into ungodly wars and preventable crisis.

I am reminded of Jehovah God, on whom this country was allegedly founded, and our declared trust in Him. We mark this declaration on every coin and at every patriotic and political event. But has this declaration been one of Truth or perspective? I pray the former. The fact is…TRUTH HURTS! And since we really don’t like to hurt (though we love to inflict pain on others) we don’t readily accept it. For example, if financially irresponsible homeowners and greedy proprietors were sifted out in the housing industry, we could have alleviated the housing crisis and the subsequent economic disaster. People don’t like to hear they are greedy or incapable and businesses don’t like to hear they may lose profit to save the an industry, so they deny the Truth. And after a few “shady” deals, you get disaster. And to top it off, after disaster, you just get finger pointing.

“No, it’s the stupid poor people”!

“Oh no, it’s those greedy rich folks”!

           Truth is: EVERYONE IS TO BLAME! And when honest people try to fix the imbalance, one side or the other cries foul. Instead of facing their fair share of the blame they cry class warfare.

"The American Government Blew Up the World Trade Center"

           Nothing screams “untruth” like the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars. Plainly speaking, America is a meddling country with an arrogant ignorance of the global world. Simple Truth. If you don’t like to see your own government meddling in your everyday affairs or the police intimidating you in your neighborhood, then what difference is that same feeling from an Arab who sees a tank caravan up his street or foreign soldiers herding his family along checkpoints? Truth is you would more than likely try to rid yourself of them, too. I suppose this makes us insurgents, right? Secondly we need to be honest about what happened. As a former soldier and a construction worker who built high rise towers, I can boldly proclaim the truth. You and I know that the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT BLEW UP THE WORLD TRADE CENTER... Period. Exclamation mark!

Did I hurt your feelings or offend your sensibilities? Good! The Bible says the Truth shall MAKE you free, not SET you free. In order to “make” you free it has to shape you and grow you. This process takes honesty, pain and suffering. We need to be honest with ourselves, America. We are not the good people we claim to be. Good people don’t walk over the homeless, have extra-marital affairs, lie on their resumes or ignore the immorality that is feed to its children across the airwaves. Good people don’t commit perjury, cheat on their taxes, root for the death of foreign leaders, disrespect their own leaders and shot up movie theaters and classrooms. Oh yeah, those perpetrators thought they were good people, too.

I pray that everyone comes into the knowledge of the Truth and make the necessary corrections in their own lives to truly be better people. We have so much information at our disposal, yet we never come into the knowledge of the Truth. (2 Timothy 3:7). Our children know every commercial jingle and song lyric, but can’t comprehend their basic school lessons. Our women are making financial strides and political gains in our country, but are still lacking self-esteem and personal pride. Our men are bigger and stronger, but still are unable to communicate basic affection and care for their children and wives. 

           We do well on the exterior, but we fail miserably on the inner spirit. The poor blame it on the rich. The rich blame it on the stress of money. The Black blame it on the Whites. The Whites blame it on everybody else. The truth is that we all need a reality check and to take personal inventory. The failure acknowledge the Truth is evident by the amount of times the same tragedies and mishaps continue to occur in our lives and in our country. Vietnam became Iraq, the Great Depression became the Great Recession, young loves became old flames, racial discrimination became sexual discrimination. And so on…

Gabby Douglass

One way to describe the parallel between the Lie and the Truth is to struggle compare it to the average persons habits and those of a winning athlete. When she is on the podium waving to her family and fans, we celebrate her and try to identify with her. We go out and we emulate her in our backyards or in our wardrobe. And, in all this, we fail to live up to her standard because we fail the Truth. Truth is, she spent years in training and discipline. She sacrifices her desires to hang out for the Truth that to be better she needed to work harder. While we slept, she was up setting goals and doing personal inventory on her strengths and weaknesses. While we celebrated ourselves, she criticized her performances and broke down the nuances on film. And as a result, when she stood on the podium and celebrated her success in Truth; we sat on the couch watching, fantasizing about what we could have been had we only not lied to ourselves and acknowledged the Truth. And the Truth is: We better get real really fast! Or our very existence will be one failed lie after another!

Woman of the Month: Brandy Zeigler

According to the Study of Homelessness and Poverty, an estimated quarter million men, women and children experience homelessness in a given year in Los Angeles. It is a difficult reality to eradicate for the city's officials. Brandy Zeigler, 28, is one woman who is up for that challenge. And, in contrast to her petite frame and striking beauty, the single, Los Angeles native is tough enough to do it.

Raised as the only girl, by a single father, with four brothers, Zeigler is used to being set apart. Not one to be socially influenced, Zeigler didn't have a set mandate for her life. A devoted believer in Christ, Zeigler looked to the Holy Spirit for her destiny. So, it wasn't a stretch, when the education graduate from the University of California-Dominguez Hills unselfishly put her teaching career on hold after a epiphany from God.

"One day, in September 2010, when I was driving in my car, I thought about all the children who didn't have adequate school clothes for the upcoming year", explains Zeigler, "I wanted to do more. I wanted to have a purpose, so I asked God: Lord, give me a heart for the causes of your people."

That purpose was confirmed when, shortly after, Zeigler got a call from a friend inquiring about whether her church (One Church International) was doing a clothing drive for needy school children. After doing the clothes drive and coordinating a Thanksgiving food drive, Zeigler stepped into her purpose. And AS ONE Charity was born.

"After the success of the Thanksgiving drive, we had a lot of food left over. I thought it would be a great idea to provide sack lunches for the homeless in Hollywood. I started shopping at Costco, putting food in the trunk of my car and enlisting friends to help me distribute lunches to the homeless.", said Zeigler.

Zeigler got the name for AS ONE after brainstorming with a friend on what to call the charity. The idea came from the Bible and God's reference to His people as "one body". Zeigler counts all God's children as one family, so she looks to show that faith in her ministry. With the support of her pastor, Toure' Roberts, Zeigler's purpose-driven initiative become a cornerstone for the church's doctrine and a catalyst for a lifestyle of service by its growing membership. Many people say the time they have spent volunteering at AS ONE  has giving them an appreciation for the Christian lifestyle and what being a believer is all about.

"AS ONE has blessed me in the area of being unselfish, causing me to put someones needs before my own...giving my time and love to beautiful people, it challenges me to be blameless before God in order to pray and intercede over my neighbors" explains Tiffany Yvette, a dedicated volunteer.

"I introduce her last because she is first in what we are trying to accomplish in our church ministry. Brandy is the church and what she does is everything we stand for, said Roberts, at a new members dinner, "If you really want to know what our church principles are, you should tap into AS ONE."

Since January, 2011, AS ONE has provided food, clothing, hygiene and Christian fellowship for countless of the city's homeless. The self-funded charity started in Hollywood, but has expanded extensively into the city's downtown "Skid Row" area. Skid Row is considered to have the largest concentration of homeless and underprivileged citizens in Los Angeles County. Every Tuesday and Wednesday, Zeigler and her increasing band of faithful, assemble in North Hollywood to prepare and pack food, Bibles, clothing and hygiene.

Zeigler first focuses on her staff. She solicits testimony, prayer request and offers thanks and encouragement before leading a powerful prayer over her volunteers. She and her caravan of Christians migrate by van and car to the Skid Row district where eager men, women and children await. The unfortunate are given food and clothing, but more importantly they are given prayers, hugs and fellowship by the volunteers. Some of her volunteers include entertainment notables such as actor,Christian Keyes and Brandee Harris, celebrity choreographer.

Though Ziegler was nicknamed  "The Elder" of the church, her personal life doesn't mirror that of a powerful, young woman leading an organization. Though her influence as a leader is evident, Zeigler describes herself as shy, conservative and a bit goofy. She is humble and transparent about her challenges as the face of a growing movement. The movement has not only keep pace, but has produced other charitable components like, the Hollywood-based blanket giveaway, Blanket of Love. When ask if she every had thoughts of giving up, Zeigler doesn't hesitate:

"The charity can be very taxing spiritually and mentally. Its not an easy job especially when you, yourself, have to worry about how you are going to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head".

Her faith appears to cast off any doubts and worries. Weekly, without fail, she diligently comes ready to go and lead her team of mighty men and women down to Skid Row to do God's work. She has even taken volunteers into her home. Some of the friends she has helped on Skid Row are, now, active members in the church and have gotten back on their feet. All credit AS ONE Charity for the support. Zeigler feels she is as equally blessed by those she serves:

" When I feel empty, I am filled up through the testimonies. It's the testimonies of the people that keep me going...God is glorified through our testimony".

For her faith, service and testimony, Brandy Zeigler is our first Write4Fools "Woman of the Month".

For more information, to send donations or volunteer support, please contact As One Charity via Website , Facebook or Twitter

MAN OF THE MONTH: Dohn W. Norwood

If many young African American have become victim to the streets and prisons because of poverty and a lack of positive male influence, Dohn W. Norwood is the exception. As professionally trained actor with Masters of Fine Arts from University of California- San Diego. Norwood  plays the character "Psalms" on the acclaimed television series Hell On Wheels on AMC. 

A product of Indianapolis public schools, Norwood excelled as an honor student under adverse conditions. A son of a strong single mother, Norwood and his younger brother were raised in the notoriously crime ridden neighborhoods of Haughville and Dodge City. Norwood never had it easy and at some low moments in his childhood, he and his mother were relegated to sleeping in their car when unable to afford housing. 

Bouncing around as a child, he never lost focus of his quest to live a better life than the one he knew. And despite, the lack of a father in his home, Norwood took on that role for his brother. He even moved his brother out to California over a decade ago. He continues to support his brother and mother financially and emotionally. She is a cancer survivor. Humbly, he credits his grandfather with being a positive influence.

"My grandfather is the only man who took time to give me the facts of life and moral principle to live by in a fatherly way", reflects Norwood.

Norwood discovered the joy of acting in the 4th grade. His talents became more apparent when he was cast as a centurion in the Shakespeare play Julius Caesar starring Michael Gross of the hit television series Family Ties. Norwood was only 14 years old when he performed the role at the renowned Indiana Repertory Theater. He attended Broad Ripple High school making a name for himself as a gifted thespian in their elite magnet program for Arts.

After graduating from Broad Ripple High, where notables such as David Letterman and entrepreneur Alan H. Cohen attended, Norwood went on to matriculate at the prestigious Morehouse College in Atlanta. Norwood continued to hone his acting chops as a fellow at the University of California-San Diego. He received a Masters in Fine Arts at the third ranked program in the country.

In between roles on hit shows as ER, The Closer and films such as Bruce Almighty, Norwood worked as a substitute teacher for the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD). In 2003, drawing on his experiences as an under privileged youth and his influence as a educated African American from an urban environment, Norwood, along with friend Sean Rector, founded Boys II Men, a mentoring program for at-risk adolescents. Their work and dedication to the youth have earned them respect and accolades in the community, as well as a "Certificate of Appreciation" from the city of Los Angeles.

Norwood had  inspired an innumerable amount of young men and women to graduate college and lead more productive lives than they would have ever imagined. Former students stop into the program just to speak with the new participants on how big of an influence Norwood and Rector have been in changing their lives. Many of them are coming home on college break make attending the program their first stop.

"Its amazing when you are in a store and some young adult calls out your name. He has a wife and kids with him and he reminds you that he was one of the kids in the program. He tells you he graduated from college or has a trade and is doing well. It makes you feel good and assures you that you are making a difference", says Norwood.

Norwood, alongside Common, plays Psalms on Hell On Wheels

Recently engaged to the love of his life, Marlene Glasper,  Norwood continued his flair for the dramatics by proposing to his future bride at a Lakers v. Clippers game via the Jumbo tron.. As a Clipper fan, he turned their in-house rivalry into one to cherish. Not one to take breaks, he is constantly on the quest to keep his acting career humming along. He looks to his Christian faith as a source of strength and wisdom. "God has a plan. He might say go left when I want to go right. I follow Him. I just want to keep up the momentum", he explains. That momentum is scheduled to pick up for Norwood on the third season of Hell On Wheels.

With his life in full swing, Norwood still finds time to mentor the youth and be an example of what you can do with your life even if society doesn't counts you out. He leaves this advice for all aspiring actors:

"Don't get into the industry if you just want to be famous. That's not a good tactic or a goal.  Doesn't matter if you are white, black or whatever...Be grounded...This is a business, so you have to be business-minded. Make yourself a commodity because you are a brand. And you have to design that brand around who you really are. You may start off as just an actor on someone else's project, but if you study your craft and hone your talents you can produce your own work and market yourself ".

In honor of his exemplary community work, his strong moral character and his dedication to his faith, family and craft, Dohn Norwood is our first ever, MAN OF THE MONTH.

For more about Dohn Norwood check out Dohn's filmography and recent interviews

Dating 101: What You Can Do For Your Mate

No relationship is perfect. And no form of attraction is completely explainable. But in the “job” of finding a life partner there are some pointers that we all could benefit from to help ourselves become more successful in the process. Many of us have an idea of what we are looking for in a partner. Some of these ideas are based on upbringing. Other ideas stem from the experiences we have had, both good and bad, in past relationships.

Many women like a guy who is tall, handsome and stable. Many men prefer a woman who is beautiful, nurturing and kind. But what if you found yourself lacking these same qualities that you desire? Though we have many different preferences, a major factor in selecting realistic characteristics in a mate should be the inventory of self. I call this the JFK method: “Ask not what your mate can do for you, but what you can do for your mate.

When on a date with a prospective partner, and they ask you what you are looking for in a mate, try telling them what you have to offer. For starters, it helps them to determine if you are viable. Secondly, it puts your own desires of a companion in its proper perspective. For instance, it’s hard to ask for your mate to be rich if you have bad credit, be childless when you have children or be physically fit when you are out of shape. More importantly, it will help you find clarity if you, yourself, are a viable candidate for life partnership.

To do this requires a large degree of self-evaluation and an even larger degree of honesty. Both of these traits are necessary to sustain a lifelong relationship, anyway. So, before you proclaim to someone all your hearts desires, I invite you to take a personal inventory of what you truly have to offer them. It will go a long way in helping your search be more successful.

Now, go ahead try it…Make a list…And check it twice!

The Power of Quiet

 “Happy is the man that finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding” –Proverbs 3:13

Whether you are a believer in God, or not, I pray you believe in the power of wisdom. Wisdom is usually that thing in hindsight that we acquire after we experience tragedy i.e. getting fired, or divorced, or lose a love one or a close friendship. Many people view this as enlightenment or an “awakening”. Regardless the definition, one could never question the validity of wisdom in understanding our life, our past and preparing for our future.

Regret is a powerful emotion. It leaves one paralyzed in circumstance like an addict and fearful of a worthy destiny like a battered spouse. Regret stifles reconciliation, tramples on dreams, robs the spirit of happiness and, most appallingly, begets more regret. Furthermore, regret can be hard to overcome.

I am a writer in my mid 30’s and I still regret quitting my Little League team, not re-enlisting in the Armed Forces and dropping out of college. Those are just a few of the big regrets. I couldn’t possible list them all. I am not a fan of regret, but I am less of a fan of having none. Regret is a sign of being decent. It’s too cliché to believe you can live your life without regrets. It’s far more realistic to try and live your life despite them.

Most of our regrets come from the wrong action at the moment of truth: not telling a love one you love them, an outburst of anger toward your boss when you’re fed up with mistreatment. I find that as an entrepreneur responsible for staff that resides from LA to NY, the best control I have over many situations that arise is to exhibit less control. “Let go and let God”. Sounds funny? It did to me. But it feels so good when the outcome is reached and you didn’t have to argue or be upset after. Losing respect and your station in life is not a just reward for winning an argument or being right about a matter.

Anger is an addictive emotion. It’s like cocaine. It gives you this out-of body high that seems to propel you beyond realistic rationale, but its hangover leaves you marred in contempt and remorse. In other words, it stymies you with regret. This just breeds more frustration and anger and thus more regret.

Losing respect and your life station is not a just reward for winning an argument

I exhort you to forgive yourself. Everything we do cannot define us. It is best to let YOU define your actions and not your actions define you. The first course of renewal is to forgive yourself.  The second course is to forgive others. I find that when you do these things the gates of wisdom swing open and the nourishing waters of understanding pour out onto your soul.

“Your soul is your emotions and that which drives you. Your spirit is that which God has given to you to guide you and balance the instabilities of the soul”, says Matt Souder of Souder Ministries.

This is why forgiveness of oneself or another’s is vital to cleansing your soul. In this way, the drive of your life force will be that of inspiration and optimism and not that of revenge and distrust.

How many times do you meet a special someone who is cursed with this kind of soul wrenching characteristic? Their inability to let go of the past makes it profoundly hard for you to develop a future with them. Non-forgiveness is a black hole on the heart that feeds on the weakness of a man and those who love him. I realized that my inability to commit to an intimate relationship stemmed from my unwillingness to forgive my biological mother for abandoning me. I thought that she was to blame for all my woes. I used this crutch to excuse myself of giving those who love me the respect and attention they needed. In the end that sense of abandonment only begot more abandonment. No woman could hang around in that situation so I ended up repeating that scenario.

How do we combat these regrets and find victory in trying times? When I was going through different trials I relied on many forms of solutions. Whether self help books or people I trusted, the information varies as does the degree of expertise. Everyone is willing to give an opinion. Unfortunately, most opinions are readily given and profoundly based on what the giver should have done; rarely than based on what the giver really did. And like the givers, the opinions are vast and confusing. So I have learned to rely on King David of the Holy Bible. He simple states:

“Be angry but do not sin. Mediate within your heart on your bed, and be still” – Psalms 4:4

Such a little thing, but the difference it makes is great! What we must realize is that there are supernatural forces at work to create our purpose in Life. We tend to approach everything in the natural and hence with what doctrine refer to as carnal logic. Let’s not forget that love and trust and human connection defy human logic and reside in the supernatural realm. When we are offended we tend to think of the offense and the solution in logical terms. This is where we fail, overreact and saddle ourselves with more regret. We have to come to terms with the fact that there is no logic to hate, distrust and dishonor. Who really knows the ways of their own heart, let alone someone else’s? We must realize our emotions are our driving, soul forces. As these forces change, so does our desires aspirations and destinations.

David had done a grave thing in the eyes of God. He committed adultery with the wife of one of his generals then had the audacity to have the man murdered to keep her. Talk about the highest form of player hating in the history of civilization! But thank God that he didn’t see David’s offense as David himself. We humans tend to judge each other readily by a significant act and not the body of work of the individual over a period of time. This is how anger and discourse is sprung up and debates and wars come forth. Like God we need to see our offenders with more empathy.

Anger is an addiction. It's like cocaine.

When David lost his kingdom as a result of his actions, he fled to the mountains and remained still with his God. He prioritized his life, forgave himself and his enemies and did the best thing a person could do in a troubling situation, he stayed still above the fray. David was to all accounts in the world, quiet.

Quiet is the epitome of control and power in hard times. Since most problems arise out of the variables beyond our control, it is best to avoid trying to control it. I am learning in my Christian faith that God is ultra willing to solve our problems if we would just get out of the way. When in doubt, we should surrender our logic and seek wisdom and understanding or as the Bible says: “…the peace that surpasses all understanding”(Phil. 4:7). Only then can we clear our soul and mind of anxiety and angst. This leads to wiser decisions and more just outcomes.

As a man, I was taught to solve problems. But, women say that they just want sympathy. This is very much like the teachings of the Gospel. I find that when I am impulsive and impatient, my actions are irrational and unusual. They have robbed me of my truest intentions and soured my reputation. These impulses have created an even bigger hole to climb out of. I have referred to this as “hurrying to waste time”. Retaliation and rebuttal are the flames of confusion. Matters tend to only get worst. I find that a sound mind and a quiet disposition can expose the true nature of a thing, but most importantly it renders you blameless at trial or in the public square. It extinguishes those flames.

King David not only returned to his inheritance, but was giving several times more than he had before. I exhort you to ask for peace in your trials and tribulations. Through that peace, seek wisdom. And in that wisdom you will find understanding. Understanding is the wisdom that proceeds confusion and negates regret. If you have enemies, avoid them. If you are mistreated, seek healing. And if you have been offended, do your best not to offend. The laws of our supernatural world apply to all. No evil will go unpunished, no offense will go uncorrected.  As for us, we can be unmoved and unwavering in our principle with the power of love and empathy. We will be exalted through the will of God and be victorious with the weapons of patience, tolerance and understanding. In the end, we will be honored by the power of quiet.

The Joy of Not Having Sex

After countless relationships and disastrous breakups, I sought out to make a change in my life. As a man, you are taught many valuable, self-correcting tools when it comes to life. I and my brother were given a different set of rules in comparison to our sisters. For example, when my sisters needed financial support my parents “gave them money”. However, if I was in financial distress, my parents “let me borrow money”. Similarly, when the girls had self-inflicted suffering in a relationship they were consulted with phrases like: “You can do better” or “He wasn’t good enough for you, anyway”. Not the same admonishment for us boys. No, the exhortation was more along the lines of: “You need to get yourself together and be a better man” or “You should have known better”. To the casual observer this would seem unfair and imbalanced. Perhaps, but to me and my brother it was fair because we had other advantages my sisters didn’t have like staying out all night and having girls over to the house in our rooms with closed doors.

Sometimes, American society treats each sex unfairly. (Okay, most the time). But, as a man, the self-correcting principles of manhood worked in my favor. I didn’t continue to repeat the same mistakes in relationships, unlike my sisters, because I wasn’t given the benefit of the perception that I was innocent of all wrong doing. In fact, my parents seemed to first accuse me, before exonerating me if anything went wrong in my life that was contrary to the principles they taught or to the moral code they enforced. I guess you could say that made me mentally tougher and bred a sense of self-awareness that is all too lost in society.

"We need to take responsibility...in our relationships"

We live in a world of blame. Politicians blame, churches blame, friends blame and lovers blame. And all this is done to feed the ego and justify improper actions and to vacate responsibility. I chose not to blame anyone, but myself. Though noble in theory its mostly personal arrogance as to not allow anyone credit for my failures or acknowledgement for my rewards. We do need to take responsibility as a whole for what happens in our relationships if we are to learn from them and thus go into the next great thing wiser and more adept.

I chose to no longer have sex before marriage for a few reasons. One, because after I slept with enough women, I realized how important it was to a relationship’s value, my personal value and how it over valued the relationship itself. Secondly and with conceit, I was pretty darn good at it and felt I had that part of the relationship mastered. So much so, that I used it as a mask to conceal more glaring inefficiencies that I had in sustaining a viable relationship. But thirdly, and more importantly, I fell in love with God and began to trust Him to give me the desires of my heart and to bless me with the very things I could not bless myself with. Things like real love, trust and transparency.

My generation has a sex addiction. We find that the only way to really show the emotional side of love is to consummate it with sex. We are a sexual culture. From the way we dress to the way we live and judge, it all revolves around the idea of sexiness. A band called Right Said Fred had a hit song in the 80’s entitled “I’m Too Sexy” and from them to the sex-charged lyrics of N.W.A and Madonna, we were taking on a course that defined our outlook on most everything and everyone based on how “hot” or “sexy” it or they were. We got stupid with sex! I knew it was out of control when I witnessed male friends consistently date women solely on their sex appeal with no regard for their intelligence, morals or social capacity. If they had a chance to date them, they usually complained of being unhappy, but refused to give up the superficial appearance of the relationship. “But, man she is so fine!” Right Said Fred and Co. had it WRONG!!

A few botched relationships and two kids later, I wanted to try it another way. I didn't want to get bitter and blame all women for my shortcomings, so I sought to change my approach to finding the right woman. I realized that to do so I had to be the right man. I was very confused at how to go about this until my Pastor Toure Roberts held a seminar with a celebrity panel called ‘Saved, Single and Not Having Sex”. I recalled how my ex- girlfriend would constantly explain to me that she only saw herself with me for the great sex, so I thought it best to go to the seminar. I wanted to be more!

I was very enlightened on how powerful “soul forces” are when you have sex with a person. You can easily find yourself in a relationship that you know is unhealthy and unmerited. Pre-martial sex can not only lead to venereal disease, and out-of–wedlock children, but a deterioration of rational judgment and sound forethought. In layman’s terms you can really get ‘sprung” on a person. One of the most overlooked flaws in pre-marital sex is that it hinders one from truly discovering the hidden philosophies and personality conflicts that one may have with a mate. These kinds of flaws are important warning signs to discontinue in the relationship and sever ties. Unfortunately, romance hides these severe flaws for such a time that it is difficult to break away from the other person. Many couples try and work through these flaws for fear of loss of time or the possibility of finding a better mate. After some soul searching I realized that perhaps I was just as “sprung” as my ex- girlfriend may have been.

" I'm not going to say that celibacy is easy. That would be a lie."

As I started on my journey of celibacy, I had a few encounters with women. I had a few offers for dates from ex and prospective lovers, but I confessed the path that I was taking. I believe that if you are being celibate, you need to tell any romantic interest that from the beginning. I find that if you confess your position right away, you give them the option of further pursuing the relationship, but you also give yourself accountability. You have to stand on your declaration. What I noticed is that women and men are alike in a few areas. Ex-lovers were unwilling to rekindle any relationship if sex wasn’t involved. New love interest, when told, would deny that sex was a part of their intention and then lose interest. And women whose advances were thwarted got really upset and vindictive. I learned so much from these prospective mates.

I discovered that when the conversation is not flirtatious, it is much easier to learn the true nature of the other person and make a rational decision whether the relationship is sustainable or simply misguided attraction. It also makes the parting of ways more amicable since no physical barrier has been broken. Celibacy also makes me a better man because it forces me to be more in tuned to a woman’s thoughts and needs. I have become more tolerant and empathetic. I find the joy of true friendship with them and have gained an idea of what I need to do to be in a position to sustain a long-term romance. In short, I learned that I have a long way to go.

I am not going to say that celibacy is easy. That would be a lie. But, I will say that it has made life easier. I have gained self control in other areas of my life from celibacy. I have begun to value my sexuality and, in turn, have begun to value the sacred vessel that is a woman. Sex affects women differently than men. It means far more to them and leaves very deep scars on their hearts. While courting women without sex, I find that they open up to you in love and friendship and many of them have a familiar story of hurt and manipulation. This convicted me. So much so, that I began to apologized to my ex- lovers for devaluing them with casual sex. They were thankful, but honest in confessing that they had sex with me with the hope of a relationship, yet accepted the arrangement for various reasons. In other words, they were disappointed.

Many brothers from my church took the vow of celibacy with me. We continue to encourage one another. It has blessed us with an amazing bond. Many male friendships are consumed with the quest to bed women. Those friendships are shallow and hide the true meaning of male bonding. It is not enough to exhibit bravado to your buddies. Being manly is to show empathy, love and care for your friends. I don’t have to be tough because I am tough. But my friendships are deeper now because we are honest about our trials and ambitions. It’s amazing the truth and joy that comes out when your conversation isn’t centered on “bagging broads” or “chasing hoes”. Besides, I have never been one to love video games.

If you are going through a hardship in a pre-marital relationship, I invite you to take sex out of the equation and attempt to make ground with spiritual romance. I think what you find will alarm you. If it doesn’t go well then you probably are in a bad relationship and need to part ways. If it goes well, then you should be taken to such a level that the only thing to do is marry your mate and legitimize one another. But, whatever way you go, the path should be that of truth. Though there is passion in sexual relationships, if true love and happiness is what you desire, I guarantee you that it will first reside in the joy of friendship, unwavering trust and honest acceptance. I, personally, believe the opportunity for such a passionate relationship is rooted in the joy of not having sex.